Hello to you. For the eagle-eyed amongst you, you'll notice I'm not at home.
I'm actually at a therapists' office. For those who said "about time", rude.
No, I'm not here for a session, but, um...
Well, I can't explain now. Sorry, I'm feeling a little bit anxious.
I'm not sure I should have chosen the rocking chair.
It's meant to be relaxing, but, um...
if you get the wrong speed you look a bit manic.
Right, let's all just calm down, shall we, and crack on with the show.
That was a lovely loo.
I do like a nice loo.
Lovely soap. Smell my hands. I don't want to smell your hands.
Smell them! Get off!
He was on the phone.
Should be here in a MO.
WATER COOLER GLUGS
Sounds like a fart in a bath.
WATER RUNS
Oh, oh, help!
The tap's stuck, quick. Oh, for goodness sake.
Get me another cup!
Get another one...
There aren't any more. Find a receptacle!
Here we are.
That's wicker. It's wicker. Fill that one up.
Hold this. Drink that.
I need to find a receptacle.
Ooh... quick...
I've found a receptacle. OK, right.
Try and switch it off.
Right, done it... Oh, good. Oh, phew.
Oh, I've got water in his case!
Hello.
You must be Dr Hopkins.
Good afternoon. Good afternoon.
Sorry, I was just...
drinking your briefcase.
Um...
Which might sound a little odd, it's just that I'd wet the floor.
You know, I hadn't weed on it.
Will you shut up? Sorry. Now I just want to say, that we're not here for a session.
It was all a silly misunderstanding.
There was a little what I call, incident, in which the police
unnecessarily got involved. Long story, we won't bore you.
But to stop Miranda being arrested and charged,
I said she was one pashmina short of a wardrobe.
I'm not. She's not.
But the police insisted we get an assessment from a psychiatrist.
That's you. That's you.
They initially put me in touch with one on the NHS.
Well, I said, I'm not going NHS, thank you very much.
I mean, what are we, crack whores?
So we just need to sit here for the session to tell them we've been.
Can we sit anywhere?
Wait, wait, Mum.
There are so many chairs, it might be a psychological test which chair we plump for.
Ooh, that's a good word 'plump'.
Plump.
It's a good word, isn't it? I was just saying.
Plump.
Just sit down.
You have a lot o'chairs.
Is this one of those ergonomic ones, is it?
Up she goes...
And down she blows.
Oh, it's a lovely chair, isn't it?
Hello.
VASE PLAYS 'IN THE MOOD'
Oh!
Oh, it doesn't stop. It's one of those, you have to wait till it... sorry. I'll just have to let it go.
Oh, such fun.
MUSIC STOPS
Oh, comes to a very sudden end.
You made me look like a fool.
For goodness sake, just act normal.
It's nigh on impossible to act normal when you're trying to act normal. I'm so self conscious.
I don't know how to sit.
Hands on knees. Legs crossed?
Legs apart?
Sort of feel like I've got too many legs.
How is that normal? It's too hard.
Particularly when a psychiatrist is staring at us and not speaking. Hello again. Hello!
Perhaps we should explain why we're here, in case you were thinking us a little what I call, odd.
Simple story.
You see I was at an ice cream van in a park, and this kid ran over
my foot with his wheely trainer and I dropped my ice cream.
She demanded that this little boy get her a new ice cream, and he exploded into tears just as this
very charming man was jogging past...
Anyway, the man stopped to see if everything was all right.
And to explain why I was cross with this little boy, I told a little lie and said that I was his teacher.
Anyway, suddenly the 29 other children from this boy's class appeared demanding ice creams.
Which I had to get them because I was 'the teacher'.
And then the man then jogged on.
I said to Miranda, "Quick, jog after him, keep chatting. I'll get the ice creams."
But I didn't follow him.
No, she didn't jog after him, then the real teacher appeared
wanting to know why I was buying 29 ice creams for children I'd never met.
So we ran, well, we galloped. We galloped.
Cos it's fun, isn't it? It's fun to gallop. And the children followed us.
The children followed, and then the teacher thought Miranda was trying to kidnap them.
Unfortunately there was a policeman in the area who became very suspicious.
Not helped by the fact that the ice cream van was following us because we forgot to pay for the ice creams.
Anyway, cut a long story short, once the armed response team had been stood down,
we had to go to the station, where I explained Miranda that was one stick of short of a lolly.
Didn't take much convincing.
They thought it was hereditary.
So they let us off as long as we had an assessment.
So, you see, we just need to sit here for the session.
We don't need a, what I call, assessment.
Well, it's also what I call an assessment, isn't it?
We all call it an assessment.
An assessment is an assessment.
SHE SUCKS AIR THROUGH HER TEETH
You'd call it an assessment if you ever spoke.
Ooh, I like these.
Hello, I'm the mammoth one.
Hello, I'm the medium one.
And buongiorno, I am the tiny one.
Do you have a naval background? Ahar, me hearties.
Aaaaagh!
You are coming across nutty.
I will not have him thinking that we have got problems.
Look at him, poised to write in his pad. Just sit quietly.
It's not for long. Act normal.
I was being normal. You were being a horse with a Russian doll.
I'm thirsty. Don't.
Have some coffee.
Ooh, it's a very confident jet, isn't it?
Sort of a bit like a horse weeing.
A horse has a very brazen wee, doesn't it?
Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry.
So...
Oooh, hot coffee! Hot coffee, ooh, that's really hot!
Hot coffee in sensitive parts.
And I hate a wet pant.
I'm going to have to take my trousers off.
I'm so sorry.
I shall use this as a sarong if I may.
That's quite an expensive silk mix throw.
Well, a pair of tough titties to you, sir.
I'm not wandering around in my pants.
And if you say you'd rather that than me wearing your silk mix throw, then you are dirty.
Hula hula hula!
Cos of the sarong.
So, Miranda. Question.
♪ Tell me what you think about me... ♪
Just a bit of Beyonce.
Question.
♪ Tell me what you think about this... ♪
Sorry, that's quite hard not to do, actually.
Interesting. You seem to be avoiding the question.
So, Miranda, do you often lie? No.
I just did.
You are so kind to show an interest, but there's nothing to discuss.
We're only here so we can say that we've been. I'll pay you, of course.
In fact, how much do you charge?
It's £200.
BOTH: £200?
£200!
£200?!
Should have gone on the NHS.
For £200 you should ask him why you mouth certain words.
Although usually you get them the wrong way round. What do you mean?
Well, the other day at the surgery you said, "Wendy has been diagnosed OBESE." She heard.
Well, you mouth words. Say sex.
Sex... Psychiatrist present.
So is there anything you'd like to talk about to make use of this time?
No, no.
Oh, no, no. We don't want to start talking about our childhoods.
Particularly Miranda's. Such an ugly baby.
Her father insisted we put the Babygros on upside down.
Such fun.
Do you want to talk about that, Miranda?
No, no, don't want to talk childhood, "Oh, she got rid of my dog when I was 11." Although you did.
Well, it kept pooing in the house.
Only because you didn't let her out regularly for what I call pooportunities.
I could blame you for... Psychiatrist present.
What's the problem? I've got an awkward itch.
I'm going to have to do a fast walk to get rid of it.
That's got it! Sorry I was just having a little wander around.
We get people in my shop who do a little circular walk like that. We like to call it the sweep browse.
You know when you come in to a shop and you think "This isn't what I was expecting,
"there's nothing here that I want, but I can't leave cos that would look rude."
So I have to do this sort of, "Oh, that's nice."
And then go. The sweep browse.
Good word, browse.
Browse. Yeah, she's a lovely word.
See her as a female word.
Thrust...
Male word.
The queen of all words of course, moist.
The king of all words, plinth.
Imagine a moist plinth.
Oh, lovely.
Do you think you could stop talking at some point?
Yes. Easy.
SHE HUMS
No humming.
SHE WHISTLES
No whistling.
No pretending you're singing at Wembley.
What are you writing down? And about whom? Act normal!
Stop saying that! I'm just standing here.
Who does he think he is,
thinking that we've got problems?
He's a complete ARSE. Wrong way round!
Go and find out what he's written.
Good idea. Cover me.
Me! Me! Look at me! Me.
♪ Me and my girl
♪ Meant for each other
♪ Sent for each other and liking it so... ♪
♪ Me and my girl
♪ No use pretending
♪ We knew the ending a long time ago. ♪
Just a bit of Noel Gay.
I couldn't read it. It was in shorthand.
Well, if you'd concentrated more at secretarial college.
Oh, here we go. This is the kind of thing.
I didn't want to go to secretarial college. You can't be happy running a joke shop.
Joke/gift. And yes, I am happy.
35, running a joke shop...
Joke/gift! No wonder you can't get a man. I had a man. Nearly. Gary.
But the idiot messed that up.
I don't want to talk about him. I've moved on.
Is that true? Absolutely, yes.
I don't think about him. Don't miss him. No.
I mean, if you're asking me if I act out imaginary conversations with him
using a painted plate on top of a mop, then no.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in. Talk of the devil.
What are you doing here? Sorry, Stevie told me you were here.
Look, I know you are in the middle of something but I just couldn't wait to see you, Miranda.
I can't handle it if you'll never forgive me. I can't get you out of my mind.
I'm in love with you.
Miranda, will you...? Miranda?
Hm? Sorry. Yes, no, don't think about him. Don't miss him.
And my shop is enough of a career.
If you call wasting your life a career. What I call a waste of a life
is you wasting your life worrying about me wasting my life!
I think we're making progress. We are not making progress!
We don't need progress or a session.
Act normal!
Maybe it might help if you saw things from each other's perspective.
Perhaps try a bit of role play.
Miranda as Penny, Penny as Miranda... Fine. Good idea.
Oh, hello, everybody. Haven't quite explained... Don't I look marvellous? Right.
Look at me, please, I want be the centre of what I call attention.
Now, gossip for you, Geoffrey Warburton has been paying for PROSTITUTES.
Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah.
This is talking without actually saying anything. Rah, rah, rah, ha ha ha ha,
hair flick, hair flick, keeping up appearances, envy me, envy me.
I didn't just mean insulting each other. Well, hello, I'm Miranda. Oh, dear.
I'm just going to waddle over here and waste more of my life.
Ooh, you've got nice plums, as it very much were.
Aren't I naughty?
Oh, look there's Gary. Isn't he delicious, but not as delicious as this pie.
Excuse me, what was that walk? It's a lollop.
I do not lollop. You lollop. You are one of life's lollopers.
You should be a lollopop lady.
Wait for it. Such fun.
There it goes. Such fun! Have you met my daughter, Miranda?
I have no respect for any of her life choices.
I'm Miranda and although my mother has done
everything possible to improve my life, I'm incredibly ungrateful.
And very clumsy. Oh, look, here I go falling over again.
Well, that was all very interesting.
That is exactly what wasn't meant to happen. We've just got to sit here for a few more minutes.
He'll refer us for more sessions if we're not careful. Best behaviour.
Is that real fruit?
What do you mean?
I mean, is that fruit real?
I don't know how to make it any clearer.
Is that fruit part of the £200?
£200?!
I suppose it is in a sense, yes.
Oh, well in that case. Excuse me.
Sorry, can I ask what you think you're doing?
I'm playing a round of golf.
It's funny because I'm not.
I'm just having a little picnic. Do you mind? Always been obsessed with food.
I'm not obsessed with food.
And this from the woman who, when mistaken for being pregnant,
joined the local mothers-to-be group, because, and I quote, "They have free tea and biscuits
"and people randomly feel my breasts. It's the best fun I've ever had."
Mum, you're making me sound weird.
You're the one sitting on a psychiatrist's floor having a picnic lunch at four in the afternoon.
Fine. I'll shall eat it later.
I might just have...
a little bit of something.
Actually that would be very...
Can be a bit sticky, can't they?
Oooh, nice equipment, if you pardon the, er...
Ten-four, copy that, I'm on my way for the drop-off.
PA: Can I help with anything? Oh!
Doctor, Mrs Hawtry is here.
And is everything OK?
Can I?
Now listen here, we've taken Dr Hopkins as hostage.
We need half a million pounds and if someone comes in this room, we'll blow their brains out.
Hang on, did she say Mrs Hawtry?
Excuse me. Hello?
This is very important.
Does Mrs Hawtry have a loud cardigan and a red gin nose?
Umm...yes.
That will be all.
Mrs Hawtry is president of the parish mixed doubles.
I cannot let her see me leaving a therapist's office.
We'll have to climb out of the window at the end.
I will not have it going around the tennis club that we've got issues.
We don't. You've got issues.
Excuse me, who was the one who presented three chocolate willies at the harvest festival?
Let's not start. Fine.
Oh, no.
I've sent the text I was going to send to Stevie about Mum, to Mum. Argh.
PHONE BEEPS
What are you doing?
Oh, it's a text from you.
"Stuck with Mum. Hell on earth.
"Prepare many drinks."
Interesting. Doesn't mean anything, does it? Mothers are just annoying.
For no real reason. "Oh, darling, you've bought a new coat." Annoying.
You don't know why. I love you.
Nothing personal.
So, Doctor, tell me, are you married? Annoyed again.
You're clearly asking on my behalf. I'm simply making conversation.
And he's a handsome man in a highly paid profession. I knew it. This is exactly the kind of thing...
No, no, I can explain. When you have a daughter who has never had boyfriends... I've had boyfriends.
How many times, being flashed at does not constitute a relationship.
She needs a little bit of help. I do not need help, thank you.
The people you set me up with are ridiculous.
No offence, I don't mean you. You're lovely.
Just not in a "Mmmm, take me!" kind of a way.
Sorry. I'm sure lots of people look at you and go, "Mmmm, take me now!"
But I'm more kind of...hmm.
Sorry, I didn't mean... I mean the other people you try and set me up with.
Now look what you've done. What I've done?
Nothing to worry about.
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, it's from you.
"He's a bit smug, isn't he?"
"He" being a friend of ours.
Japanese.
Our Japanese friend is a bit smug.
So you were just thinking about your friend He...
What's his surname?
Oh, umm... He.
He?
He He.
He's a right laugh.
And I suddenly thought, "I must tell Miranda how smug He He is."
Right, but with slightly strange grammar.
That's how we say things.
Miranda's being a bit silly today, isn't Miranda?
As a random example. Good, that's settled.
As long as you're aware that I know you meant me, not your friend He He.
I don't know where you get these things from?
Do you need to see a therapist?
Are you always thinking people think you're smug behind your back?
He's paranoid. Classic case. I'm going to write this down in my notepad. Me too.
In fact, role play.
You sit here. Yes.
I'm sure that would help you a lot,
because you've clearly got some issues.
Is this your father? Yes, it is.
Interesting that you put it on your desk. Mmmm. Interesting. Mmmm.
Interesting. Mmmmm. Mmmmm. Mmmmm.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to put the focus on me
because you're panicking that you've revealed too much about yourselves.
You haven't got us pegged.
He's totally got us pegged.
Oh, hello. CD player on pause.
What have you been listening to?
Mmmm, interesting.
MUSIC: "Alone" by Heart
Oh! Now, this speaks volumes.
A love ballad, eh?
It's fun, isn't it? Shall I see what else they have?
Of course, you learned to dance from me. No, I didn't.
The only thing I get from you is a feeling of failure, guilt and very large feet. Where's this coming from?
And we tried to get you to swim competitively to make use of the natural flippers God gave you.
No luck there either. Oh, I'm sorry I've been such a massive disappointment to you.
Look, if you are going to eat, eat some fruit. Fatist.
She took me to Overeaters Anonymous once.
Totally unnecessary. I can explain.
Belinda was showing off that Tilly had issues, so I said you did.
It seems that the lies we tell end up in a therapy session of one kind or another.
Both the occasions to which you refer were Miranda's problems.
Oh, and who gets me into these scrapes? You do!
You can pin all you want on me, but from what you've heard over last half an hour,
it doesn't take a genius to work out that Miranda's a bit odd, isn't Miranda?
THEY ARGUE
Let me say a few things to you... Where do I get it from, do you think? It might be hereditary.
Your father thinks... I know what he would say because he wouldn't want me to turn into... Jacuzzi!
We've got to get that notebook.
It doesn't look like shorthand now.
Follow me. Pincer movement.
We'll go commando.
Let's hope she doesn't really know what that means.
So, Anthony,
if I may...
SHE GIGGLES COYLY
What else do you have in your CD collection?
Give me my pad back! Oh, I have it now. So, what does it say?
Dad...new toaster. Mum...garden knee pad.
Don't forget presents from the pets.
This is a Christmas list.
You drew a cat.
That's the end of the session. Would you like to book another appointment? No!
What's this shorthand bit?
Just some initial thoughts at the top of the session.
Oh, what does it say - I can't wait to draw a kitten?
Well, actually it says...
Mother and daughter. Mother's protective instinct
has become dominating, fuelled by fear of how she is perceived by outer world.
Daughter seeks mother's guidance and approval as she has yet to find her own voice.
Absolute rubbish.
I think he's nutty himself. Driven wholly by money.
£200?! Obsessed with his father.
Only listens to love ballads.
Very odd. In fact, I think one more before we go, please, Doctor. Hit it.
Good idea.
MUSIC: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen.
Everything all right? Someone thought there might be a hostage situation.
Hold on, it's you.
The ice-cream child-catcher lunatics.
It's her, she's mad.
♪ Crazy little thing called love
♪ There goes my baby
♪ She knows how to rock and roll
♪ She drives me crazy
♪ She gives me hot and cold fevers
♪ She leaves me in
♪ A cold, cold sweat. ♪